When it hits home...

By Anthony Anders, ADC, LCDC-III
Chemical Dependency Counselor
 
“We did not see it coming.” I hear this all the time. I have parents and spouses and kids and friends and families all say this at one point. Addiction and its deviant behaviors often have a turning point. A point where things went wrong. However, many compare outward looking at addiction and its behaviors through the portal of what we may see in the media or vicariously through those we know in the community. They wait until it is too late assuming that one may have to pass out in the yard or be behind bars to take action.
The challenge when things hit home is that we are so close and intertwined with those in our household or families to where we may see things being a bit “off” but not indicative of a problem festering deep down. When certain behaviors do surface, we either shrug off the small stuff as inconsequential or worthy of being tabled until later, or we many may bury their head in the proverbial sand hoping the signs will play out, fizzle, and go away.

However, addiction is not a sum of quantities and chemicals. We cannot exclusively judge an impending or current crisis by the drug one is using or how much and for how long. The chemicals one may use that get them into trouble is often indicative of an impaired coping method and not just simply one reaching for destruction and/or recreation.

People may dismiss the signs of a problem rationalizing that “it is not that bad [yet],” or “they are only doing/using XYZ so it is not a problem [yet].” We can often justify and rationalize and postpone and deny all the while a loved one slides further toward the abyss of graver outcomes. Time is of the essence and swift action saves lives and restores wellness.

Addiction and chemical dependency are results of a series of choices and behaviors that link to grow until they begin to dominate and destroy the host. This is why it is imperative to explore, question, inquire, and intervene as soon as possible to intercept one who may be going down a dark path. The challenge does lie, when it hits home, to finding a balance from looking at things through the lens of disappointment and anger and a proper objectivity that will implement the strategies it takes to achieve desired results.
When a family member (or friend) shows signs of trouble I recommend the following:

1. Strike fast. Do not wait to see how far things unravel to confirm that a problem is present. Reserve the right to ask questions all the while observing deviations from normal behavior. These include personality changes, detachment from family activities, sleep and eating patterns, withdrawing from conversations or abbreviated interactions where more authentic conversations used to take place. In adolescents, many will dismiss these things as “being a teenager” or developmental issues, but they can also be signs of a more insidious situation happening.
   
2. Look for the props. People may often look for the signs of the “heavy drug use.” These signs may be items like cut straws, rolled dollar bills, mirrors, syringes, missing spoons, missing medications, burnt pieces of foil, etc. But also, you can search for other items such as vaping pens and vials of fruity smelling oils (nicotine “juice”) which are very popular with adolescents now. Missing permanent markers, aerosols, computer dusters, are also worth inquiry. The items are indicators that the person may be seeking satisfaction or escape that typical people can find without the use of chemicals. The tools tell a story too.
   
3. Start sleuthing. Invasion of privacy and saving a life are two different things. Initially this can be done in a more clandestine manner so you are getting a truer picture of what is going on. If people suspect that others are on to them, they can build a façade that can be harder to see through. Not that I recommend snooping, but phones, social media, GPS records and other electronic devices can aid you in your efforts. (Ok, I recommend you do what it takes to save your loved one.)
   
4. Defer to the pros. It can be hard to delineate what should be done when a loved one is disappointed, hurt, or angry. Calling treatment providers, schools, counselors, clergy, and any other source who may be able to better mirror back feelings and to help present strategies can help the supporters and family stay on track. It can be hard, even with the best training to not come from an unhealthy approach when dealing with helping someone who has a problem. Gather the village.
   
5. Get help for the helpers. For family, parents, and friends, it can help to get some information that can assist you in creating your forward focused strategies. Sometimes the sanctions we may wish to impose through our hurt can severely backfire further exacerbating the issue. Addiction and other facets of behavioral psychology can get very convoluted and can require some added information so the supporters can come from a place of information as well as love. Parents, families, and loved ones can benefit from counseling as well.
   
6. Eyes on the prize. Everybody loves a comeback, and from my experience, what people can become as a result of where they have been can be extraordinary. If we look at intervention and recovery as a series of philosophies and strategies that help people become better in the outcome, we will stay cognizant of what is needed to reach the wellness goals before us. We have to stay vigilant in the moment and implement some clinical procedures, sanctions, and consequences to interrupt the behavior at hand, but we must also remain focused on what we wish to achieve. It is through these interventions, and many times the crisis itself that helps to nudge the rudder of someone to sail upon new calmer waters.
   

Addiction and its related behaviors affect all in a home. The blessing is that since those who share a home also know the others better than most and we can reflect on the observed subtle changes and use our gut to act swiftly. It is better to apologize for questioning someone who may not be having a problem at all than to apologize when they are sitting in a rehab, prison, or worse.

Tony can be contacted by emailing him at:
[email protected]