How to love an addict…

Written by: Anthony Anders, ADC, LCDC-III Chemical Dependency Counselor
 
In short, it’s not easy, but it’s not impossible. Addiction is a family disease where the loved ones are often caught directly in its blast radius. Addiction rarely just happens overnight, but it will insidiously infiltrate a family over time to where it gets all within its grasp in some way. It is not just the addict who can use help in making some changes.
Loving someone in addiction (as well as in recovery) is often off-balance due to the circumstances of recent behaviors. Many find that loving someone in, or attempting, recovery is counterintuitive to “normal” relationships. Many skills do need to be learned to get on the road to wellness. We often do not see the problems that have, over time, become just a typical day in traversing chaos and disruption.
Here are a few tips in dealing with loving someone who is in our lives dealing with the problems associated with addiction and trying to gain traction in recovery:

1. Defer to the pros. As soon as possible, when recognizing that the problem you are dealing with is getting out of hand and beyond your scope of skills, try to get some professional help. This is not just for the person who suffers, but families need coaching too. There is no greater sign of strength than saying, “I could use a hand with this.” Counselors and other professionals can take an objective approach in offering coaching to get the family back on track in assisting a family member with addiction. You have to have wellness to be able to have enough to share with others. If just by “loving someone through it”, locking someone in a basement, or throwing away their drugs or alcohol worked, we would not have a problem and I would have no job. And again, I encourage people to read my piece on whether addiction is a “choice” to help you see what you may be up against.
2. Get layers of help. I always rhetorically ask people that if they were falling off a building, how many nets would they like to break their fall; and the answer is, “as many as possible.” Recovery for families and addicts is best formed in layers. By this I mean to add many different supports, coaches, and resources as possible. For families, this can include 12-step supports (Al-Anon for example), faith-based communities, counselors and therapists, life-coaches, and many other professionals that cultivate a sense of ongoing wellness. By investing in many resources and communities, we do not hinge all of our wellness and success on one source. If that one source becomes depleted or fails, we could place ourselves in a very precarious position. It’s good to have a back up.
3. Are you “moving them forward or moving them backward?” Loving someone in recovery can be very painful. Also, one may encounter some behaviors such as manipulation and deceit that can make proper decision making a challenge at best. Parents and spouses are often coming from a place of profound love and fear as well as underlying anger that can cloud proper decision making in dealing with what is best for the addict and family in general. I offer this simple filter to use that if a person were to ask for something ranging from treatment, to money, to a place to live to take a step back and run it through the filter of, “will this move them forward or move them backward.” If you are unsure, do not be afraid to collaborate when making decisions with other trusted persons before answering.
4. Have measurable benchmarks. Progress in addiction treatment does need measurable progress. To be able to tell if something is working, we need a way to test. In a doctor’s office, we have vitals, urine screens, appointment attendance and the like as well as their testimonies to check our strategies. Families need these types of things as well. Having accountability such as offering a required timeline to get into a treatment program, how many meetings a person must attend to live in one’s house, how long to get a job or how many resume’s to be sent, and perhaps doing drug screening in the home as examples. Whatever you choose, make the results measurable as opposed to saying, “I am waiting to see you happy” or “you can stay until you are sober.” These are too nebulous to measure and also do not help the addict in recognizing their own progress.
5. Catch the person doing something right. For some time, people who are addicts will exhibit negative behaviors and an ongoing alert in looking for poor behavior becomes the norm. It can be hard to find someone making progress when the sole attention is on looking at their deficits. It is okay to be cautious or cautiously optimistic, but for both the supporter and the addict, being able to see a mutual recognition for progress is essential in moving forward. This is a skill that requires practice and is also helpful for a balanced objectivity in other areas of life. You do not need to fuss, but for someone in recovery, doing “what is typically expected” can actually be signs of success.
6. Learn to love someone from a distance. This is a hard one. Sometimes people are not ready. Or, as they say in 12-step circles, some are “constitutionally incapable” of achieving a sober lifestyle (at least for now.) As a supporting loved one, friend, or family member we must recognize when our own health and wellness is being compromised in the storms of another. We can still love with a healthy proximal detachment. This means we need to maintain a distance that allows us to thrive while a person figures things out without being caught in their turbulence. We need to recognize at some point that we are not capable or qualified to fix the unfixable at a given point and step back to secure our own clarity. This is where recovery for the family can begin. Sometimes the family is ready before the addict, and their recovery begins at the moment of this decision. Still love? Yes. Just not up-close after realizing that your attempts and resources have been futile or exhausted.

This list is by no means conclusive. These are just a few that I frequently revisit in my sessions with my clients. Addiction is a family issue and I liken it to the mobile that hangs above a baby’s crib. You hit one of the dangling items and the whole collection of items move and dance. But at any given time, the family, loved ones, and supporters should recognize that there are strategies that will help them in dealing with the helplessness that often accompanies loving an addict. Doing something for yourself is empowering. If you do assist someone in seeking or entering a treatment program, I encourage you to also inquire about family support services. This will only galvanize the families’ recovery and place all in a better position to deal with this very difficult subject.